As a therapist and Family Systems/Constellation facilitator, in my experience, I believe we already have everything we need and yet, I often see people struggling between what they want and what they don’t want. This makes asking for something a difficult, if not (in some cases) impossible thing to do. The difficulty doesn’t seem to be based on the degree of complexity of the situation, but more on the perceived consequences that really come from past experiences. This not only produces distortions in what we are experiencing now,  but a great deal of fear and stress leading to furthering the beliefs associated with past limitations.

Making requests can be intimidating or empowering and productive, authentic or condemning. Declaring what we want can put is in a very vulnerable place because we risk being hurt, rejected, even abandoned.

SO BEFORE WE EVEN LOOK AT THE HEALTHY WAY TO MAKE A REQUEST, IT IS NECESSARY TO FIRST LOOK AT SOME OF THE THINGS THAT CAN MAKE IT SO DIFFICULT

Where does this start?

Often, we are triggered by a condemning story of fear and insecurity that plays over and over in what seems like our own voice but which actually comes from some earlier decision/conclusion we have made about ourselves. These triggers will often go off due to a circumstance that has similar conditions to a previous one that is connected to a negative experience. Someone HAS expectations SOMEONE is TREATING US LIKE WE ARE INFERIOR, someone wants something from us and we suddenly feel as if we are stupid and inferior.

These words have power in that they are linked to some early experience in some area of life. We have all learned to react to certain situations that take us out and block our ability to see beyond the past and the protective PATTERNS of behaviors that we have always used to block the hurt and pain. The past experience we are using as a reference point may not have been significant at the time but it prevented us from being connected with our truth and our true identity. Over time this creates body memories that become triggered when those similar conditions arise. It activates the same fear and a disconnect from our own feelings of confidence, calm etc., which are available when we are present and in real time.

The issue is proportional, and we really do have the clarity to see what we truly DO WANT.

If we move backwards, as though on a time line in our life we can often identify a link to where the original message/words came from. It may have been a time when we thought we would get into trouble if we said what we really wanted, or we were protecting someone by not asking for or saying something critical. We did not realize that  we were paying the price by continuing to carry the fear around and the belief that people really don’t want to know us, or don’t care what we want.

And the truth is, this sense of loneliness, shame, failure, frustration, and disappointment will never go fully away as long as we continue to seek evidence of our value and lovability in the longing eyes of admiring others, instead of feeling it deep within for ourselves first.

GETTING INTO THE RIGHT FRAME OF MIND TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT

Make a request from being present, where you have no investment in someone else agreeing in order for you to be ok. Remember that to make an effective request, we want to be in a truly empowered place that is true for us—not manipulating. This allows others to hear and see us as we move from point a to point b.

It is important to make requests honest and direct, and give the other person specific INFORMATION/ about what you need.

State what you want in a positive way that does not accuse or place blame.

Examples of requests:

First acknowledge what is. ( Re-state what the person with whom you are interacting has  shared with you)

“I appreciate you are upset, angry, disappointed, etc.”

Then make a statement simplifies the situation:“WHEN YOU DO(whatever the behavior is), IN SITUATION (whatever the surrounding situation is), I FEEL (whatever you are feeling).

Example: “When you forget to call and let me know you’re going to be late for dinner, I feel hurt and resentful because I’ve worked hard to make us a nice meal.”

This removes blame and simply states your feelings.

Express what you want next time. “What I want is a call when you know that you will be late.”
How would that work for you?

An indirect, but effective approach:

“In the future what would helpful for me (it is a request, not a demand) is if you would:

“Call when you are going to be late.” “Pick up your room.” (Whatever the specific request is.)

This really needs to be done for me to move forward.”

And follow with the question: “How does that work for you??”

This allows you to find out how close you are to an agreement.

Follow each request with: How does that work for you?

 AVOID MANILPULATION AND DISRESPECT

Sometimes we think that by “dropping a hint”, others will magically understand what we want. We might say something like: “I wish I could keep this house clean.” hoping the person will eventually clean up their mess, and magically understand that this statement was a request. Since we are not making a clear and respectful request, others usually will not satisfy it, which only reinforces the old feelings of shame and being unworthy.

This approach is disrespectful to ourselves and to the other person. Often fueled by being afraid of conflict and confrontation (SEE THE BEGINNING OF THIS BLOG) one who uses this approach does not feel they deserve to have the right to make their wishes and desires known.

And the truth is, this sense of loneliness, shame, failure, frustration, and disappointment will never go fully away as long as we continue to seek evidence of our value and lovability in the longing eyes of admiring others instead of first feeling it deep within ourselves.

Learning to make requests from a place of calm and confidence, firmly aware and present in the now, allows those around us to relax and listen to what we want and need.  We find that we are heard as the worthy, fully lovable and deserving souls that we truly are.

Love & Light,

Jo

 

Tags: Changes | Communication | Mental Health | NLP | Relationships | Requests | Self-Help

 

Do you ever find yourself being confused?

Unable to make a decision?

Most of us have had experiences where we are asking ourselves, “Should I, or shouldn’t I?”

We think, “If I wait, the issue will go away, and hopefully resolve itself. “

All of that takes energy—sometimes a lot of it. So, what do we do when we feel we are trapped between “Yes” and “No”?

How do we make movement?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Let’s start by examining the energies of Yes and No. Both of these energies are involved in every decision we make, even when we are deciding about something that may not be good for us. We must proceed through both energies in order to find out what is real and authentic. Then we are free to make choice and that is what is at the core of the issue; freedom to choose for ourselves from a place of deep authenticity.

“No” can actually be a refusal of responsibility. It is the energy of exclusion, it is the energy of static and there is no movement in it.  Often, we say ‘no’ based on experiences of the past. The things to which we say ‘no’ in our inner voice stop any further discovery and block our resources. An energy that says ‘no’ to what is new is blocking that which is naturally flowing in from life. It results in saying ‘no’ to opportunities and possibilities.

“Yes” is the energy of inclusion—as in, “This is all mine to decide, based on my values and interests.” ‘Yes’ will engage our courage to move us through to our true desires, as opposed to moving us around the decision, thus avoiding or minimizing it. What we want will come to us when we say ‘yes’. We feel the energy  of ‘yes’ in motion. Because what we focus on expands, we are now open to a new level of strength and confidence in ourselves, trusting in our capabilities.

And, there is a third option to “Yes” or “No”.

Many people believe that avoiding a decision and doing or saying nothing means that nothing can or will happen. This is not true.

Deciding to not to decide is still a decision!

If we do not make a choice, we do not move in either direction. We stand in the same place, feeling confused and alone in the energy of “I can’t”.

This lack of response activates a state of fear from some PAST experience, known or unknown.

Learning to stand patiently in the energy of “Yes” or “No”, gives us the opportunity to learn from both the gains and losses, big or small.

We gain the courage to stay in our truth instead of in a position of ambivalence, where everything is lost. Even if it seems that not making a choice means we are getting out of something (and we are—and it may be something good) we are really getting ourselves out of engagement in our lives and all that we have the opportunity learn.

Remember, this is often a short-term reaction to a deeply rooted, long-term, position from the past, one of ambivalence.

We tend to think it is about the situation we are dealing with and it really isn’t. When we look at the same situation from a feeling of confidence, we can choose how to handle it and therefore, respond to it.

So, how do we move from fear to confidence?

The simple truth is we are either in a story about “Yes,.. but..”, “if only”, “should or shouldn’t”, or we are in synch with our proper vibration, where we are naturally feeling connected and present with ourselves.

It is only when we get out of the storytelling loop that can we get what we truly want.

How do we do that?

Accept: We need to accept that we are where we are because of our choices. By means of our choices, we create everything one decision at a time.

Relax: You are the only one who can judge yourself and then believe that judgment. Nothing is stronger than you are.

Release: Awakening is a process—unhook from the loop by softening any judgments.  RELEASE YOURSELF FROM WHAT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER. Release the image of the pattern you do not want to repeat, or you will be committing to getting the same result again. Unhook from the energy of ‘no’ so you are free to use your feelings in productive and satisfying ways. Imagine how you will do things differently in the future.

Focusing softly on the image of your new future, take these steps:

1. Take a full deep breath and imagine taking a step back. You will feel the change on the inside before you will see it in action on the outside. Take a moment to feel this new feeling as you imagine the new outcome.
2. Keeping your inner self filled up with the new feeling, imagine being this new you and stepping into this experience in just the right way that fits for you. While looking from this new perspective, what you will do differently in the future?
3. Notice the new possibilities. See how you would achieve what you want one small step at a time, because that is how it comes.

There is a saying: The grass will be greener where you water it. Simply, those things to which we give our attention will flourish, and come into being. Give your new feelings and the vision of your new future your attention and watch them grow!

When you are trapped between “Yes” and “No”, stop, breathe and allow yourself to move into the moment with your authentic self. You’ll know instinctively what is right for you and begin making decisions with ease, confidence and joy.

Love & Light,

Jo

Special thanks to Cheri L. R. Taylor our blog and web content editor. Learn more about Cheri at: BlushingSkyWrite.com

Tags: Changes | Decision Making | Healing | Lifestyle | Mental Health | NLP | Self-Help

“I’m going to lose weight.”

“I’m going to stop procrastinating.”
“I’m going to quit smoking.”
“I am going to get my business going”
“I am going to get out of debt”

How often do we make New Year Resolutions that only set us up to feel badly about ourselves for the rest of the year?

After only a few weeks (often sooner) we are thrown into the territory of the “yes but” and the , “if only”.

We begin negotiating, and then we become separated from ourselves and our true desires.

All of this is a symptom of trying to think our way through it, and then we cannot experience the reality of our accomplishments.

When we feel our way through it, we are connected with ourselves and we feel calm and confident in order to learn.

Is there a way to make resolutions that are healthy for us and make us happy; resolutions that we enjoy keeping?

How do we make the change and keep the change?

1. Remember a time when you didn’t think you would make it through something and you did. At some point in the process you used your imagination and aligned your behavior to match your intention, giving you new results.
2. Close your eyes and let a positive change come to you that is in alignment with your life style. At first it may come to you as something you don’t want. Turn it around so that it is a positive statement of desire. (For instance, instead of saying “I don’t want to be in debt anymore.” Say, “I want to be financially free and stable.”) Focus on what you do want.  Be honest and authentic. If the desire to change comes from deep inside of us as a true desire, we can imagine ourselves feeling this new way (calm, confident, capable, etc.) and see ourselves in the process of taking the steps, day by day, to achieve what we want.
3. During this process, we must celebrate even the slightest movement. As we have small successes it is important to share them with a friend who inspires, encourages and believes in us.
4. Our systems need to stay on course to get where we want to go.
   Without recalculating, (like a gps does) we will only get more of what we don’t want. If you get off track, use the following exercise to “reset” to a new, better feeling:
   Take A slow, deep breath.
   Experience (imagine/remember) the feeling of being on track and moving forward.
   Take a moment to allow that feeling to come fully into your body.
   Breathe into it.
   Reset to that feeling.
   Remember, you are unhooking from the past “I can’t” and resetting your system to “I can”.

Finally, “Be who you are”, not “Who you think you should be”, and enjoy your growth and movement, now and throughout the new year!

Check back often for more tips and suggestions for making solid choices, changes, and movement in your life.

Happy New Year

Love & Light

Jo

Tags: Changes | Healing | Lifestyle | Mental Health | New Year's Resolutions | Self-Help